5 Simple Steps to Becoming a Non-Baker

As I begin my second blog post - I am as surprised about my consistency as you are - I just wanted to say thank you for all the support for my blog so far!

Without further ado, let's delve into the tale of my recent baking palava.

Preface: 

Though baking may be listed on my profile as a 'hobby', you should know that this was a rather optimistic inclusion based on a desperate plea to sound more 'cultured' or 'well-rounded'. The actual art of baking is almost entirely lost on me. 

Step One:

I found a recipe of course, I am not THAT much of an amateur! 

After a quick search of the cupboard, my possibilities were either Pineapple Upside Down Cake or Syrup Sponge. Now, I knew full well that raiding my Step-Dad's tinned pineapple collection would be an instantly regrettable decision... that man guards his pineapple like a German Shepherd on the U.S. border with Mexico. Nevertheless, Mother said she fancied Syrup Sponge and, knowing my ability, I wasn't entirely sure they would taste all that different. 

After a quick search on the internet I was all set. BBC's Easy Treacle Sponge Recipe was an absolute no-brainer. Not only does it have 'easy' in the title, what could possibly go wrong when trusting a broadcasting company to provide you with baking tips. 

Step Two:

Ingredients gathered, hands washed, pre-emptory salivation engaged. All that was required of me was to mix syrup, breadcrumbs, and the zest and juice of a lemon in a bowl. Admittedly, I was somewhat cautious about the August 2017 best before date on the breadcrumbs but everything else was fresh so the 'average best before date', a nifty invention of mine, was still acceptable.

Everything was going swimmingly until I subconsciously decided to spicen things up by using the wrong side of the grater to zest my lemon. Needless to say, I have absolutely no idea what this side of the grater is for... half of my zest got stuck in its little holes and I nearly lost a scourer trying to restore it to its photogenic self, see left. 

Needless to say, I will not be making that mistake again. 

All things considered, so far so good.

Step Three:

Now came the actual cake-making part of the process, my syrupy concoction had graced the base of my rather small baking tray - a matter we will return to later, and the measuring of ingredients began.

If you have not read my previous post, you must know that I have not been having too much luck recently.

For those who have read it, I am sure the picture on the right comes as no surprise.

That's right. I promptly knocked my measuring dish and spilt its contents on the table... 

All in a day's work, I scooped the buttery sugar back into the measuring dish and pretended nothing had ever happened.

With all the ingredients whisked, including all three eggs having been placed in the mixture at the same time - an unintentional ad-lib on the instructions' recommended "one at a time"... not forgetting what my Father would likely call the 'extra flavour' from the table...  I unceremoniously 'dolloped' my mixture into my syrupy baking tray, and slid it into the oven. 

Step Four:

Thirty-five minutes lapsed. The dishes were cleaned (rather organised of me!). It was time to visit the oven. 

My heart was in my mouth, one heat-proof window separating me from parental ridicule and the downcast eyes of a Mother who's son had lost yet another career prospect. It was too much for me, I decided I'd leave it a couple more minutes. 

A 'couple more minutes' lapsed. The dishes were suddenly a lot dryer than they were before. Ironically, I had been distracted writing the first three steps to this post. 

I rushed to the oven, grabbed, the tray, inserted the skewer into the centre of the cake... it was all for show... like a cream-less individual on a hot summer's day, the colour of my creation told me all I needed to know.

Once again, my Father's reassuring northern accent came to mind... "it's just extra flavour!"... Of course, I now know full well that a sausage on a BBQ is not supposed to look like that but, alas, I was young then.

On a positive note: at least the cake had managed to stop itself spilling over the side of that small baking tray I mentioned. Judging by the upward bulge, it was 50/50 either way.

Step 5:

The 'Syrup Sponge' cooled while I gradually came to terms with my ineptitude.

After dinner, the time finally came when I would have to taste the 'finished product'. I cut it open. The treacle was stuck to the tray but a knife, fork, and a spoon... maybe some fingers... later and the creation was served.

There are few times in my life in which I have truly felt surprised. This was not one of them.

The cake itself was dry, the treacle was... well... as you can expect considering the difficulties I had in getting it to the bowl... BUT, despite all the odds, it still tasted good! I'd even go so far as to say it was the best Syrup Sponge I have ever made! Ba-dum-tss.

Conclusion

With that bombshell, my tale has reached its end. Here's what I have learned:

 - Let someone else do the measuring, if present.
 - Don't mess with the zest.
 - Broadcasting companies can actually bake.
 - Taking photos while baking is a terrible idea if you like a clean phone.
 - "Hello Treacle" could be a positive or negative term depending on the orator's baking ability.

Thank you for reading. Please subscribe and comment if you enjoyed reading and want to stay up to date, either that or leave a stonking review - negative comments would make for a far more interesting future blog post after all. Stay safe.